Forgiveness - what about the bad guy?

So now it's out there. I have done it. I have told you that I think we are desperately losing our ability to forgive. I have heard people say they want to read my blog about forgiveness. Congratulations, that is the beginning, wanting to do something. I have had others say they read it and now have questions. Still others have read and offered comments either on the blog or to me privately. Thank you everyone for reading along and allowing me to have your ears and minds for a few moments each week.

This week, as promised, I want to talk about what the offender, the evil doer, the infidel, should do in response to being confronted about their wrongdoing. First let's just be honest and recognize that it is the rare exception to have someone come to you and confess what they did. On their own... without help... from anyone... telling them to go and confess. If you have the kind of relationship where you are voluntarily confessing then you are already one step ahead of most of the rest of us. Everyone else is hoping no one will EVER find out their offense. As they say, "It's not 'wrong' until someone else knows about it". So usually we are trying desperately not to get caught or be discovered in our wrong-doing. We are "trying to get away with it"

OK - I have to stop just for a moment. Let me ask you a question. Does anyone every truly "get away with it?" and if so what is it exactly that they have gotten away with? Think about this with me for a second. If I steal something and literally get away with "it" what will happen to our relationship? Will I just go on like nothing happened? Seems a little hardhearted right? Or will I be terrified every time you come to my house that you are gonna see "it". Will I feel guilty? Will I stop calling you as much? So what did I get away with again?

Uncle Guy: "I get away with stuff all the time you dumb ass MickGee"
Me: "Guy, why are you here?
Uncle Guy: "I told you I am here for the long haul. After all we're family"
Me: (heavy sigh) "I'm afraid to ask, but what stuff do you get away with"
Uncle Guy: "Well you know your favorite Lakers pajamas you thought got stolen at the Laundry mat?"
Me: "Yes..."
Uncle Guy: "I've been sleeping in them for the past 2 weeks! HA"
Me: "You HAVE washed them though right?"
Uncle Guy: "Why? They have barely started to smell - and basketball season is right around the corner, I wanted them to be broken into my body shape"
Me: (exasperated) "why don't you just keep them..."
Uncle Guy: "See - told you I get away with stuff all the time"

Now that I am almost sorry I brought it up let's get back to what we were talking about. We are trying to cover up our wrong. Something in us just does not want to get caught. Unlike my Uncle Guy who may not have a soul! Some part of us knows that doing something that will hurt someone else is wrong and will harm our relationship. We feel it and we are hard pressed to ignore it. But it is at this point that there is a breach in our relationship. Someone did something and the other person found out and is going to confront them about it. You may not believe me but this is right where forgiveness begins. Seriously. Something has to go wrong for there to even need to be forgiveness right? So there ya go!

When someone is confronted what usually happens? Right, denial. Usually repeated denial. I happen to believe this as a veiled attempt to avoid the impending confrontation. And the fact that they don't like being found out. What will happen next goes one of two ways. They person gives in and confesses part or all of what they did.. You may need to pry the rest of the details out of them. Or they continue to deny often attacking you and making you feel as though you are the one at fault. There are possibly more scenarios. Feel free to share yours with me or in the comments below. The point here is they are just not gonna play ball so to speak. Here is something that you need to get straight right here and right now. It is at this point that you must have the truth. Without it the relationship is headed for serious trouble. Forgiveness only works with the truth. Once you have full confession - the truth, you are ready to move on. Until that comes you may have to walk away and regroup with a new approach. More on that in a future blog post.

If you have the truth, now what is it that you want to have happen next? Let me tell you. You want them to apologize. You want to hear the words I'm sorry with a level of sincerity that would make your grandma tear up and go bake that amazing thing she always bakes at Christmas. You need to know they are sincere. Remember this is someone you are in a relationship with and want to continue to be in a relationship with.

Uncle Guy: "I took the pajamas, I meant to take em and Oooooo they feel Soooo good... You know what, I would take em again!"
Me: "Well at least we have the confession. Looks like the apology part still needs some work."
Uncle Guy: "Oh shut up little nephew it's time for me to get dressed for bed"
Me: (head in my hands shaking it from side to side trying to think how I will forgive Uncle Guy for this one)

Let me tell you one more extremely important part of the process. In fact this should actually come before the apology. Once you get a confession you need to let them know what impact this has had on your relationship. You do not want to hold back here. This is not the time for passive aggressive Payne to make an appearance...

PA Payne: "But I know your uncle didn't really mean to take the pajamas right... and he's probably lonely and hungry... in fact you know what I bet he would like a sandwich. "Hey Uncle Guy would you like a sandwich?"
Me: "Payne, I know you mean well but you need to let me finish telling everyone. People really need to understand this"
PA Payne "Would you like a sandwich to MickGee? It's no trouble. Not like that one time I asked you to make me breakfast but you said you had to get to work!"
Me: "No thank you Payne...(sigh)"

So when you get the confession I want to encourage you not to hold back. Let em have it. Here are a few examples to inspire your response:
"How could you do this to me?"
"Do you ever think about any body but yourself?"
"Is that lipstick on your shirt?"
"What do you mean you were at Dan's house. Dan is out of town for the week"    
"So you did break it then... like you have broken my heart"
"Do you have any idea what this is going to do to our relationship?"
"If you ever touch my pajamas again I'm gonna take a blow torch to..."

Wait a minute... how did that last one get in there? Anyway, you get the point. We owe it to the relationship to let those we love know how they have hurt us. Once they know the truth of what it did to us they have a choice of how to respond. Hopefully it is with an apology and an attempt to rebuild the relationship. But if not at least you have shared the truth about what happened to you because of what they did. And remember the truth is critical to making forgiveness work.

Until next week - remember, everything begins with forgiveness